Dear john

Have you ever waited to get a colonoscopy? Besides the thoughts tormenting you of what you are going to go through (and all the YouTube procedure watching) there is the actual prep work being your own special type of mixologist that will release every fiber of your being from your colon since you were 8 years old. However, you won’t find these recipes on Pinterest or Facebook as your July 4th cocktail. Why am I telling you this? Well, I sent a “Dear John” text a while ago and I haven’t heard anything back. I guess you wouldn’t hear anything back. I mean, who would reply to that? I ended it with; “I apologize.” Isn’t that good? I did good – right? The reason I sent the text is an age-old reason that women and men have been saying for hundreds of years. “When I rode in his open-air carriage, the horse-poo hit me in the face.” I mean, let’s be real here. If I can’t get from one location to the other without being covered in poo then how can I be sure that we can be successful as a couple? Ok, sorry – I had to divulge in the ridiculous for a minute. Seriously, I didn’t ever get that “tingle”. I never, ever, really felt that attraction to him. Can we be honest for a moment? Just between the few of us? We have never kissed . . . and I don’t really have an urge to. I feel like I should have an urge to kiss him – shouldn’t I? Well, let’s just assume that chapter is over. Now, we need to move forward to the next chapter. If Chapter #1 is called; “The Return” then what is Chapter #2 going to be called?