Being loved - even if it ‘never happened’ - is the most amazing feeling in the world!!!

Love makes everything else around you…that much better.

But, the day you find out it is all a lie - it kicks you in your chest and sucks out all the oxygen from your body - Chuck Norris style (that reference is for you, Phil).

What happens next is you start crying > breathing is still just an option > you cry so much you can’t stop > your eyes become swollen shut > you don’t want to eat > you just want to sleep - to escape everything so you can’t think about ‘him’.  (And if you happen to have some kitties around you, you might pick them up and pull them under the covers with you - under protest of course.)

However.

In the morning you have to go to work and pretend nothing is wrong.  You must become that happy person you always are...right?

So you pry your eyes open with two fingers > put on lots of cream - LOTS of cream > add some strategic makeup > put on a hat > some light-colored clothes (snot does not show up on the lighter colors) > stop by Starbucks for a triple espresso > arrive at work > avoid video calls and talking directly to any type of living thing at all costs.

That first day at work, I won’t lie.  I muted the phone more than a few times to cry.  I also went through a box of tissues and said tissues were all over my desk, floor, and some actually did make it into the trash can.  Score!

At 5:00 pm I went home, fed the cats, and went to bed.  Rinse and repeat this for a few days or so.

At this point, you’ve got to be wondering why this affected me so much since he ‘wasn’t real’ - or that is what I wanted you to be thinking by now; to move my story along - lol.  You’ve got to work with me 😁

Are you ready?

I really, truly, with all my heart, loved him.

And I thought he loved me too.

We were going to start a life together.

Let me share with you some moments I feel demonstrate why I thought I loved him.

MOMENT #1
He told me how he lost his father when he was young - ok that’s sad and obviously a lie.  But, he told me that I need to spend as much time with my parents as I can now because they are here with me.  That I don’t want to lose out on that. He also told me that family is very important.

MOMENT #2
I ‘might’ work a little too much at my job, therefore he told me I should always put myself first and make sure that I get enough rest.  Also, leave the office by 6:00 pm (at the very latest) and if I need to work when I get home, I can. However, I am home and not still at the office at 8:00 pm.  He said it was also selfish on his part because he wanted me home spending time with him.

MOMENT #3
This one is a hard one for me, I’ll be honest.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to share it, but I still do think it is sweet.  So here goes. He said he wanted to have a baby with me and grow a family. However, he had concerns.  I immediately became defensive. He actually sounded concerned and asked me what was wrong - I told him that my age was fine and lots of women were having babies over 40.  He laughed. It irritated me so much more. He then said he had concerns because of the medication I was taking. Ohhhhhhhhhh - that. Lol! It was sweet, he said he was fine with my age and asked why wouldn’t he?  He then said he could see a little girl growing inside of me that we would love together.

How this usually worked was first he would send me a text about these topics, then we would talk about them on the phone in greater detail.  These made me feel as if I was in a real, bonafide relationship with an obviously fantastic man who cared about me very much. There isn’t a reason not to think that during this time.  Because I was - right?

Then I would get texts like these at least once a day, every day:

Good Morning my world…
My Love You have no idea how
good it feels to wake up every
morning knowing you are mine
and I am yours.  Like the
sunshine in the morning, may
this brighten your day, and
remind you that you are
thought of in a very warm
way.  Being in love with you
makes every morning worth
getting up for..You are the first
thing to enter my mind in the
morning and the last thing to
leave my heart at night!!!  Hope
to hear from you soon my
sunshine… I LOVE YOU..

He would even talk like this on the phone - lol.  Very overwhelming at first. I think I was completely mute the first few phone calls and only grunted here and there to let him know I was alive.

During one of those early conversations he asked me to say how I felt about him - I really did a horrible job!  Therefore, before the next call I did what I do before any call that I need to speak during. I researched what I wanted to say and I wrote a script.  I actually wrote 3 of them so I could have a variety for the phone calls - LOL! Isn’t that what y’all would have done?

To corral this conversation back, my hope is that I was able to show you that the interactions I had with him were, what seemed to me, very normal and ‘relationshipy’.

We said, ‘I Love You’ after a month; we were together for 3 months, and we were making plans for the future. 

I had so much of me invested in this relationship (yes, not just the money - haven’t y’all been reading?) - How would you have felt at the end?

(Yes, there were tears shed in the making of this blog post…I’m not a robot!)